My love-life, in ruins.

The title is sarcastic. It's not at all in ruins. In fact its going great. :-)

But I gotta tell this first.

I'm going to write about myself 'coz this is my fucking blog and all the fuck-wits who are fed up reading my romantic bullshit can just cock off. This is for me to read and feel like a hopeless romantic. I'm pissed with myself for being just the way I despise. So your reasons, whatever they are, to be disgusted with me are justified. Now give me peace and go wank some off.

Now you spoiled my mood. Didn't you.

See, sweetie, this is one of the zillion reasons why I think I don't deserve you. I use a lot of "fuck", "cock", "asshole" etc etc and you are too much of angel to be able to put up with me. :-)

Okay, back to my love-life.

When I'm talking to her I just know in the back of my mind that she's going to go anytime. And it does bother me, 'coz I really want to be around her. You know, it's like I will die any moment and I don't want to lose another moment I can have with her. It makes me emotional, yes. And when I get emotional I write and I feel much better :-).

I know that she doesn't care for me more than I care for some mongrel in one of those dirty streets of Swaziland. I know I lose my appeal the minute I start exhibiting the traits of a normal human. She doesn't need to care, I know. But well, sometimes I do sit here and think how great things would have been for me if she really cared. You know, if she had really felt what I feel for her. And then I realize that would be an abomination of human relations 'coz well I'm damned for eternity and I ought not to be thinking of that possibility at all.

You see, ours is a more one-dimensional relation than a strand of hair. I wish it was not so:-). I can't help it I know. She can actually be a real dawg at times; the rudest things I ever heard came from her mouth, she has never really tried to know anything about me, and when I'm down and out and seek solace in her she normally tries to get away from me probably afraid she might ruin her time with me. And with all that, I still can't stop liking her. But she's never needed me. I know. So really, the chances of her having me beside her for even another minute are rather slim; which in itself enhances the thrill of it when I get to spend another minute with her. Yeah, I'm a selfish wretch. I know:-).

And if you are reading this(I've a feeling you would someday), I intend to tell you that I might not actually tell you all this ever. I know you wouldn't like me to tell you this. I hope you don't know I'm talking about you. I hope things remain the same. If someday I tell you this, don't feel bad. 'Coz it'd only be because you are my friend and I don't want to be without letting you know what the most special thing in my life is. :-)