Plans that didn't work out

It is not as if I can’t write. I used to have lots to write, ‘coz I knew there was so much going on in me, in my head. People I used to think about all the time, people I used to hate all the time. It is just as if that hot spring that used to run down all over your mind all the time has just stopped doing that anymore. And it didn’t need any reason to stop. It just did. It is funny how completely helpless we can be at times. I, for one, always believe and put up the impression that I’m a strong guy, unmoved by silly emotions. But for all I know I could be anything but that.

My blog is too personal and there aren’t a lot of those times when I feel the need to say something about what bothers the society or the world at large. It is just that, honestly, it doesn’t matter much to me. Yeah they all say its wrong to say “how can I alone bring about a change?”, but its not so wrong if you think about it. I could do all the good in the world and I so would know that someone is going to thwart it. That’s just how our world works. The gross productivity of Japan, U.S and Germany put together will be negated by the sheer incapability of maybe a few African nations combined. Just like some guy said, the fundamental law is things remain the same, in one form or the other. Nothing improves. If anything, it deteriorates. And it’s not so hard to understand why, either. I could be wrong, but this is what I choose to think. Yeah, you could always say “this is what someone completely devoid of any social responsibility would say.” you are welcome but the point is irrespective of what you or I believe, things aren’t changing for the better around us. I don’t want to thrash your hopes of a better India but if this nation is going to be better it can only be through us. And we aren’t getting better by the day. Those who’ve got something to give are taking a flight straight to the west. So you see, it’s really bad; the way things are.

I feel like a fool talking about big things. I suck at politics and my opinion of myself is more like a sine wave. One minute I’d be thinking “Holy Porcupine! I’m good!” and the next, “A vacuum cleaner couldn’t suck more for God’s sakes!” I kind of know that’s not how I should ideally be. But fuck the ideals anyway

It really is disappointing that all I can write is about disappointments now. But honestly that’s the only thing coming to me, I could coerce something finer out of my system but it wouldn’t be half as genuine. Ah.

When amongst my friends I sit back and laugh at all the shit we do but when all that fades away and I’m on my ride back to my home the only thing that really fills me is the bloody “truth” I’ve failed a few people; the ones that matter the most, including myself. It really is the worst case scenario. Let alone not getting a job, the way things are I can’t even attempt to get one. And in the back of mind I just know its all ‘coz I scored a few marks lesser, got a few questions I didn’t expect in my univs. I don’t think you know how it feels. I kind of got to know how it feels to actually “Get a job” a few weeks back. I made it in to the bottom most bracket of eligible candidates to write the aptitude test for Deloitte. Somehow I made it through and was short listed as one of the 40 people from amongst the 300 odd who wrote. Needless to say, I had my hopes flying high. ‘Coz something told me if I could clear the test, the interview would be a lot easier with lesser people to compete with. And, ah I don’t even want to talk about it. The point is I didn’t get selected after what I thought was more than a convincing performance in the interview. And, that evening, leading up to the interview results, was the only time in recent times that I’d been really optimistic about something. Walking out disappointed, at 11:30 in the night the one thing that kept banging against the walls of my mind was the realization that, that was it. That would be the only chance I get to grab a job in my college life. Thanks to my easily overwhelming stack of supples, I wouldn’t need to bother my formals again.

Waiting as one in the many aspiring for the interview results I think there was a moment when I was so convinced I’d get the job. What I felt was a lot bigger than anything I’ve ever felt before. And still, I don’t think it would’ve meant as much to anyone as it would have meant to me had I got it. Nope! But, well, things haven’t worked out for my best. And that is kind of going to remain so until I figure out how to actualize my time machine. Now to pack my bag and venture into greener pastures:-).

Don't ditch me, God of C.A.T!!